Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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