Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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