So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
