Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
