I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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