My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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