I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
