Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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