My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
