just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just invented taco cereal.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
