1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
