Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
