I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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