this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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