It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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