My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
