"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
