Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
