i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
