Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
