You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
