you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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