I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
