I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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