I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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