oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I enjoy the company of your penis
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
