Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
a search helicopter?!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
