This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
