why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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