I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
