I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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