Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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