$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
