I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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