Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my shit smells like andre
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
