Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
sex in a hospital.. check
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
