The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
