Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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