I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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