Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
