So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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