You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
