the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
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She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
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I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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