At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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