Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
