You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sex in the backyard? Check.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
