I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
