Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize