you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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