I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
