The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I FOUND THE LEGS
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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