I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
